But What if I Don’t Want a 6 Pack???

Okay… I mean, there’s a part of me that wants one. The part of me that is sick of looking in the mirror and seeing an extra layer of adipose tissue softening and filling in the definition I’ve worked pretty hard to attain. The part of me that looks at the other women who have washboard abs and chiseled arms and thinks (or maybe whines) “Why can’t I have that?”.

I mean, let’s be real. I am a certified nutritional therapist. I have been a CrossFit coach for almost 5 years. I have attended weightlifting, mobility and nutrition seminars. I have spent hundreds, if not thousands of hours reading books and listening podcasts and watching webinars. I am even certified in plant based sport’s nutrition. In theory- I SHOULD have 12% body fat and a sub 8 minute mile, right?

I used to think that people wouldn’t take me seriously as a coach if the above weren’t true. I used to think my success as a person, my happiness, my progress, my credibility was reliant upon these physical attributes, like what my body looked like, how competitive my fitness was, how much money was I making, or what kind of car I drove.

In fact, there are still a lot of days where I think that.

BUT, none of those thoughts are true. What those thoughts try to tell me, and you, are that the victory, the happiness, the joy- is dependent upon the outcome. And the outcome can only be one thing: Our society’s version of what success SHOULD look like.

So, I’ve been thinking, what if I don’t really WANT a 6 pack?

My life, especially in the last 6 months- has truly evolved into moderation. I train 3-4 days a week, and spend time outside moving in nature every other day. I eat a whole food plant based diet, that allows for indulgences here and there, but rarely could I say that I “binge” on pizzas and cookies and sweets. My “binges” more often refer to me stopping at Whole Foods for a big ass salad and some dried mangoes. I don’t drink anymore at all, and while in the past year I hadn’t been 100% abstinent, it had been a handful of times. I go to bed between 9 and 10 pm when I’m not working and generally get 7-8 hours of GOOD sleep. I drink 1 cup of coffee a day most days, and I drink 60-90 oz of water daily. To me, THIS is something worth applauding, and has taken some serious discipline and work to get to.

And yes- I ENJOY my schedule, my routine, and my life. I love being good to my body through these practices…. AND… I still don’t have a 6 pack.

So, what if what I am doing IS enough. What if I don’t need to tweak my macros, (or hell, even count them) or workout harder, or eat less, or train more hours, or work more hours, or do things that really would take away from my joy JUST to attain something that probably won’t make me all that happy anyway?  What if I am okay with not being the fittest girl in the gym and just moving to keep my body healthy and my mind sane? What if I can be “mediocre” in what our society tells us are the markers for success, and STILL be a kick ass nutrition, movement and mindset coach? What if who I am in this moment, is who I WANT to be?

I just said that out loud as I typed it… and damn… it was liberating. Because who I want to be is still striving, she’s still growing and evolving and walking towards her best version of herself- but she isn’t hustling for her self worth. It already belongs to her.

I guess what I am trying to say here, is that the end result doesn’t determine the quality of the journey. Please don’t misunderstand me… there is nothing inherently wrong with wanting 12% body fat. I admire the perseverance, the focus and the discipline it takes to achieve our goals and our visions. I am an athlete, and part of being an athlete is our competitive nature and our ability to push ourselves past limits that we didn’t think were possible. That is beautiful to me. There is nothing wrong with any of that… so long as you are enjoying the process while you get there. What I AM saying,however, is that there might be something wrong with thinking that your happiness lies on the other end of that result.

So…maybe, just maybe, it’s okay to do things JUST because you love to do them. It’s okay to give 100% of your efforts to doing something that makes you happy, and to have that be enough. Your happiness is yours as soon as you decide it is, your achievement is yours as soon as you realize that you doing your best IS the accomplishment. And yes, it’s even okay to strive to have that 6 pack if that’s what you want.

But, it’s also okay to not really want one.

I’m fine has become foundation for the wall…

Photoshoots, RBF and self acceptance.

So I had a photo shoot this past Monday. Like, a real photo shoot. Where my “not good enough” ego takes it’s favorite place centerstage. Right in the spotlight. Which causes my face to rest in some weird “I kind of have to poop and I kind of hate the world” way, along with causing my body to move like Mr. Universe trying to do yoga.

At least, in my mind that’s what I think I look like.

So somewhere in the beginning, I make (what I meant to be) a self deprecating comment. I say, “I just feel so masculine all of the time.” At which point, April, the photographer, moves the camera away from her eye and holds it a bit lower, pointing the lens to the floor. She looks at me for a moment. I anticipate her to bat this comment down. To give me the expected “No you’re not!” fluff that other people usually throw my way. Haven’t we learned to reject people’s assertions about themselves (unless of course they’re utterly positive in nature) in an effort to make them “feel better”?

When she opens her mouth next, I don’t hear fluff. I don’t hear compliments. Instead I hear, “Tell me about that?”

So I explain it to her. I can’t remember exactly how. But I’m sure I referenced feeling bulky and bigger, or not wanting to wear heels to the shoot as my “girly” friends suggested, or not feeling feminine in any way shape or form at all.

You know, the usual ways I explain away and justify my own self loathing. When I say I feel masculine, what I mean to say is, “I don’t think I am beautiful.”

Again, a moment of silence.

I am paraphrasing here, because I don’t remember word for word how she said this, but what she said in response stunned me for a moment. She said, “Then own it. That’s who you are. Trying to be or come off as anything else would be inauthentic. Masculine energy in a feminine woman is a beautiful and powerful thing.”

And without skipping a beat, she pulled the camera back up to her eye and resumed shooting.

I’d love to say I carried on channeling my inner Tyra the rest of the shoot, but I didn’t. Though April’s words stuck to me that day and followed me home. They played over and over again in my head and they begged of me one simple question: Can I accept myself and love myself fully- exactly as I am?

My mind raced back to a conversation a week or so earlier, as I met with a friend for tea. I remember her telling me how she had always tried to be the funny one in her old group of friends. How her humor was  full of sarcasm and self deprecation too. How she tried to be social and energetic and the life of the party so she could fit in and be accepted…and how over the years and through self-growth, she realized- she never really liked to be the center of attention. How she prefers tea with close friends or nights in reading a new book. How when she takes the self-shaming out of her humor, she isn’t “the funny one” anymore.  How she didn’t want to be if it meant she had to put herself or others down. How the mask she had lived in slipped away and how when she wasn’t covering up she could finally feel the sunlight on her face again.

I sat in my room…staring across my bed to the mirror hanging up on my door. I saw dark circles under my eyes, I saw a face that was rounder than I thought it should have been, I saw lines around my eyes when I tried to smile and teeth that weren’t perfectly straight. I heard a thousand reasons why I should wish I was different than I was.

I  shut my eyes as hard as I could, and told myself to look deeper. So I did.

This time when I opened them I saw a different woman. This time I saw eyes that were tired. From restless nights. From hiding all of the time. From the stress of trying to figure it all out. From too many losses to count in the last few years. From letting herself down. From the grind that she’s in every day to try to grow, let go, and move forward. I saw a face that carried the weight of years of owning someone else’s problems. And years of mustering up the courage to be strong.  A body that held all of her hateful thoughts about herself inside, storing them for later use, when she needed another beating. I saw a woman who was weary of her own lashings. But a woman who kept standing up no matter how tired she was, no matter how many times life knocked her down.A woman who desperately needed to take ownership of all the wonderful things she was, before she buried them so deep with food and alcohol and self deprecating humor that she may never be able to uncover them again.

And I saw beautiful too. Eyes that sparkled when the light hit them just right. An energy that, yes, felt kind of masculine…but in a strong way. In a way that meant she wasn’t frail anymore. In a way that meant some gusts of winds have hardened her skin, but she would not be pushed over by senseless blows. A masculinity that felt…beautiful and…feminine. I saw beauty in her furrowed brow as she analyzed life at every turn. I saw a body that has been used as a whipping post for her own belittlement, that now deserved to be loved, just as it was in this very moment- because all it had ever done was what she had told it to do.

And in that moment- for the first time in a long time- I realized I could stop trying to be something I wasn’t, even if that truth settled in me only for a moment or so. I knew it would come back. That the universe would send me more moments, more Aprils, more tea dates with friends, more smacks about the head reminding me to embrace the circles of my own trunk. And I felt relief. Because the only circles I had ever accepted were the ones I was running to get away from the simplest truth that’s taken me almost 31 years to figure out:

We are who we are, and thank God for that…because (and I say this in my most assertive, strong and femininely masculine voice I have) – that is fucking beautiful.

Welcome back, Kristen.

Where do I even begin? My last blog failed, because, well… I failed it, to be honest. I’ve looked back at it a few times to study it, to see who that girl was that wrote it … and I see the stretching to try to fit into something I didn’t quite belong in. I see the shifting to not get in anyone’s way. I see a desire for authenticity, but yet no fucking balls to step into it.

So where did I leave off? My last post was October of 2015. I was married. I had just graduated as a Nutritional Therapy Practitioner.  I worked as a waitress part time and was building a business I had come to know as “Designed to Thrive”.  I was living in a lovely home on a river, with my wife, our two beautiful dogs and one bunny. Looking back at that last post now, I thought I had it made.

But I was lying.

The thing is, in that cozy life of mine, I was miserable. WE were miserable; holding one another hostage for our own selfish needs. Holding onto what we thought we could salvage out of fear of what life on the other side would look like…

But- somewhere between October 2015 and today, we mustered up enough courage to be brave. Brave enough to say, “I can’t do this anymore.” And so began a journey of unknowns that have landed me here, sitting up in my childhood bedroom, in between shifts at my now full time job at a restaurant, and needing a nutritional therapist of my own to sort out the laundry list of health issues that have accumulated in the 8 months since I drove my car away from that house on the river.

If I am being truthful, this time around, I am going to write things in these pages that make people uncomfortable. Mostly…things that make ME uncomfortable.  Things that I was afraid to say before, or things that I am afraid to say now…but things that need to be said. The truth is often inconvenient… but it is always there. And the more we cram it down and cover it up, the larger it grows. It is meant to be heard and meant to be spoken, and when we shove it back down our throats it still seeps out of us in silent ways; in the form of illness, anxiety, or depression. If the people around me had looked closely enough, they would have seen the truth in the bags under my eyes and the rashes on my skin. They would have understood it when my body hurt so badly for no reason that I couldn’t walk, or when my head ached day after day. They would have heard it in my cancelled plans, and as I ordered my 4th glass of tequila.

But I could not speak the truth back then.  And when it finally came pouring out of my mouth and onto the kitchen floor, life as I knew it was over, and I had to begin again.

I am not the same woman I was in all of those posts. I have been broken down to almost nothing at moments and dug myself into holes I didn’t think I could get out of. I have been out of control at times and unable to get out of bed in others. I have let deadlines pass by, and applications for LLC’s sit on my desk, and goals slip away from me.  I have spent hundreds, if not thousands of dollars on objects of my addictions to numb the discomfort I felt of shedding old skin.

But somewhere, in that almost nothing that was left, there was still that small voice that kept telling me “Keep going. You are not done yet.” And so, I’ve kept writing. I’ve kept reading. I’ve kept evolving, and growing and shedding old skin, and walking through fear and doing the things I have least wanted to do.

And I have ended up here.

Which leads me to this blog: The first step in my new beginning; to share my story as honestly, authentically and genuinely as I am capable of, however messy and unfinished it may be. To share the stories I have written over the past year, and the ones I will continue to pen as life unfolds and I learn to meet it with acceptance and grace…( I mean- that’s bound to happen SOMEDAY , right?)

Thank you for those of you thus far who have encouraged me to keep writing, to keep sharing my craft, to keep believing in myself and my dreams, even when I didn’t want to. This next phase of my journey is for us ❤